Mulutmu Harimaumu

Pernah denger kata, "Mulutmu, Harimaumu"? 

Kata orang, perkataan bisa membangun manusia, perkataan juga bisa membunuh manusia. Padahal paling gampang mengucapkan kata2 sebab lidah tak bertulang. Makanya hati2lah bila mengucapkan sesuatu, connect your tongue with your brain before saying any words. Sebab kata-kata itu gampang diucapkan tetapi berat maknanya. 

Contoh seperti saya sekarang, padahal udah hampir 2 tahun putus dari yang orang Malaysia, fucking gamble addict itu, akan tetapi kata2-nya masih menghantui sampai sekarang. Yah engak terus2an sih menghantui, cuman kadang2 aja on and off, saya pun masih dalam proses healing walaupun sudah move on dan mengampuni, tapi tetap saja susah untuk melupakannya. 

1. "You're married, got kid, and divorced so young, I bet Giselle will be like you, too. Got pregnant before married and soon within few years from now, you will carry your own grandkids in such a young age"

Perkataan ini adalah perkataan dirinya selama kami masih pacaran. Yah, selama kami bersama, ada-lah 4-5X dia mengatakan sepetti itu, pas lagi bercanda or lagi ngobrol bersama. Beda2 tempat dan konteksnya. Sebenarnya saya tersinggung sedikit tapi apa dikata, karena masih ingin bersama yah pas masa itu, yah saya tutup sebelah mata saja. Telan dengan pahit. Tapi setelah putus dan mengingat kembali perkataan ini, lagi membuat saya yakin bahwa perkataan ini menyakitkan dan membunuh saya secara emosionally. OMG what have I done for the past 3years together with him sucking up at his bullshit!

2. "I can't believe you're born like this and no one in your family (or friends) tell you off and I hate to be the one who has to teach you basic manner like this"

Lupa juga konteksnya apa tapi kayaknya berantem kecil gara2 masalah sepele, dan saya kan emang orangnya vocal, loud, and straightforward. Jadi A yah A, dan B yah B. Beda karakter dengan dia yang soft-spoken, playing mind-game (e.g: yes means no and no means yes, capek deh pokoknya reading his emotion, considering his pride, and reading situation/ambience, etc etc, aka bertele2)

Yah namanya juga udah beda culture, beda bahasa, dan beda karakter, yah kalo gak cocok berarti gak cocok. Sampai ada satu waktu dimana saya gak bisa jadi diri sendiri, harus selalu hati2 dalam perkataan dan tingkah laku didepan dia dan keluarganya dan lebih memilih gak ngomong and comfortable with awkward silence, daripada ngomong tapi nanti akhirnya balik lagi menyerang saya. 

3. " You see my ex, I need to broke up with her first and now she's become successful and a good Christian girl. I need to GIVE her a harsh break and let her go so that now she become very successful and thanks to me now she is very successful." 

I was like, duh! Masa orang harus diputusin dulu sih baru berubah jadi lebih baik? Dan credit to you who was already taken initiative to break up, now she's better than before?? WHAT KIND OF NONSENSE IT IS and I DIDN'T KNOW WHY AT THAT POINT OF TIME I JUST LISTENED STUPIDLY TO HIS NONSENSE AND NOT RELENT! Oh because i still want him, thats why just kept quiet and nodded to keep his ego on check! 

In my heart, Bukannya couples itu harusnya bersama dan saling membangun satu sama lain towards a better future and positively encourage each other for a good development? 

MAKANYA DIE DIE, I DONT WANT TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH HIM, TOTALLY BURNT ALL THE BRIDGE WITH HIM AND HIS FAMILY, SEBAB BISA AJA KAN DIA AMA CEWEK BARUNYA JUGA DIGOMBALIN BEGITU, "OH LOOK AT MY EX (AKA ME), I NEED TO BROKE UP WITH HER FIRST SO THAT NOW SHE'S SUCCESSFUL, ALREADY GOTTEN CITIZENSHIP, STABLE INCOME, STAY IN CONDO, GRADUATED MBA, STABLE RELATIONSHIP WITH HER CURRENT BF, ETC ETC. " 

Maaf ya bragging, kesuksesan saya, saya yang capai sendiri, malahan pas sama dia, karir gue anjlok, sibuk ngurusin dia dan masalah gamblenya dia sampai gak ada waktu dan gak fokus sama anak dan karir, sama diri sendiri. Dasar Setan. 

And now I'm with a new one, orangnya gak neko2, habis kerja langsung pulang rumah, gak gamble, gak KTV, gak main cewek, and he gives me security, physically and emotionally so that i have my own time to focus on my kid and career. Support me with financial advice and because of him, I can graduate MBA, I even have my own time to self-love myself. THANK GOD I FOUND HIM. And how to know that I'm with someone perfectly good for me? easy, lihat aja keseharianku, aman dan nyaman tinggal bersama doi, bisa jadi diri sendiri didepan doi, gak usah pura2, sekarang i can say that saya pribadi menjadi lebih baik dan lebih maju financially and emotionally bersama doi, paling penting bagi seorang wanita itu adalah SENSE OF SECURITY di segi manapun, physical, emotional, mental, and financial. Meaning I'm with the right person. THANK GOD. 

And vice versa, kalau misalnya couples tapi selalu bertengkar karena hal2 sepele, misal karena nada saya ngomong lebih tinggi sedikit and gak enak didenger....atau dia marah dan tersinggung everytime I speak my own opinion because it's simply the truth!? Kan biasa gitu, orang marah karena apa yang dikatakan orang lain itu benar, kalau engak kenapa yok marah!? LOL. 

And i can clearly vouch that he was not the one for me, because when i was with him, i had this uncontrollable anxiety whereby i need to know where he is, whom he's with,  what he's doing, etc etc, to the point of paranoia that i need to constantly checked his handphone and whereabouts because i know when he's disappeared from  his daily routine, ujung2nya pasti sneakily go inside Casino or KTV which worries me the most. Go casino for just few hours can potentially blow $5-10k. Very expensive hobby, prince Kedah, lol. Then at that point of time, he didn't even bother to address my paranoia towards him but make it worst, more lying and more money gambled inside Casino each days... And not only Casino yah, dia juga gambling 4D, TOTO, soccer, and lucunya saya gak tau ternyata badminton juga bisa lho di gamble-in alamak... pantesan ada satu waktu dimana he's super interested in watching badminton match, padahal main or sentuh raket aja gak pernah, my oh my. 

4. "I've really want to prove (brother in law or me or someone that look down to him) that I can be successful, that's why I went in Casino to win big and prove it"

Now masalahnya eh, siapa yang look down on you? perasaanmu saja kali yang orang look down padahal orang biasa2 aja kok, persoalan koko ipar suka buka surat dan parcelnya dia sebab yah dia tinggal ditempat koko in law-nya (OMG 33 years old and still live together with sister, dasar lintah darat!). Dan koko in law-nya juga takut dia ngutang bank or ngutang Ah long makanya tiap ada surat or parcel atas nama dia, langsung dibuka amplopnya gak pake lama. lol. Terus ngomel2 ke gue katanya no privacy, no life, gak dihargai sama orang rumah. Tapi dipikir2 lagi kalau gue jadi koko in law-nya juga pasti akan bertingkah laku sama, kan takut bok alamat rumahnya sama nanti kalau ada bank or Ahlong yang datang pawn his home, OMG, which is very likely to happen, especially when he's blind because of gambling addiction...Kasian yah keluarga sana punya adik or hubungan darah yang "moyung: useless fuck" seperti dia, untung saja saya udah lepas semua dan putus total. Totally burnt the bridge, no more contact. That's for the best. 

Dan kalau misal gak mau orang look down on you, please cari kerjaan yang benar dan halal, jangan suka telat berangkat ke kantor (tiap kali telat bangun, langsung naik cab at least thrice a week and sampai kantor jam 1030am ke atas gitu ya elah) dan really focus on career. Gak ada kata shortcut for a success. You earn the success with blood and tears, with time and effort. Gak ada yang namanya shortcut to Casino and hope to WIN BIG within short period of time. Itu mah namanya mau sukses tapi males. Benar2 cowok gak mature dan gak guna deh. Apa jangan2 itu hanyalah alasan untuk memuaskan gambling addictionmu saja. Again I have done with his shit, kept on lying, kept on dissapearing which make me trauma. 

5. "I've seen your parents and relatives, and your sister, too...all not pretty (or not attractive), and honestly you're not that pretty, too. Maybe "attractive" is not in your genes."

Nah ini konteksnya setelah tahun ke-2 pacaran dan gue bawa pulang Jakarta untuk Christmas holiday and nemuin bonyok gue. Sepintas I didn't really bother with this statement coz I'm pretty much secure person. You said me ugly? OK lho, You said me stupid? WHATEVER....  But after broke up and flash back on these few occassion, this statement make me upset. WHY? WHY HE HAS TO SAID THAT WHEN THAT POINT OF TIME, WE DIDN'T EVEN HAD ARGUMENT!? Maksudnya apa....Padahal bisa aja lho dengan perkataan menyakitkan begini gue tersakiti dan lebay dan ngambek but because of my sense of security, I have no problem with that. I didn't feel sad or just ignore coz i feel like this is small matter and it's okay la just tutup sebelah mata. 

Padahal gue sama sekali gak pernah bilang eh cici lu gendut yah mesti diet or relatives lu jelek etc etc, biasa aja gue, and why then he said i'm not that attractive but he is attracted to me and spent 3 years to be my bf? gak salah lho. Jilat tuh ludah sendiri. 

Sebenarnya masih banyak lagi perkataan2 dia yang nonsense dan menyakiti saya selama 3tahun yang kelam itu, tapi yah ini top 5 yang masih saya ingat sampai sekarang. And now I'm moving on and getting hitch next week, I'm praying to God and surrender to Him to set me free dari kata2 yang menyakitkan ini. Masih dalam proses recovery and I believe with time and God's Grace, i will definitely go through this. Thanks for reading yah. Bye.

-Debbie-